Friday, April 27, 2012

Insert Clever Title Here

I am glad that I made it through this week. Ever have one of those moments where you give people advice, yet you don't seem to follow your own advice?

This week I have been very hard on myself. I have let down a friend, have let down family, and have let down someone whom means a lot to me. The backlash when you feel like you have been failing at life, is that you lash out on others around you. Part of me is mostly upset because one person whom is fighting a war literally and personally is the one who has been the brunt of my emotions and feelings, and now because of circumstances I can't really talk to him. The hardest thing in life is to admit when you are wrong, to forgive yourself while you are asking others for forgivness, and to be patient with time, with out knowing the future and just trying to trust that it will all work out in the end.

These are the kind of weeks where you know you have messed up, but also that life comes at you with things all at the same time. I wish I was a stronger person that didn't mess up when life got hard. But I am constantly reminded that I am human. I am being a little more open than I typically am. I think it's because my emotions are raw and I can speak more freely to people I don't know than to the ones I care about. Seems pretty backwards, but when you are afraid of getting hurt you do things to protect yourself. This week though, especially in the last 2 days, I have realized that protecting myself just makes me hurt more because I feel bad for pushing people out of my life and hurting them.

This week's lesson is that I have to allow myself to let others be human, and I have to allow myself to not be so afraid to show that I care when I try so hard to act like I don't. I wish I could have a chance to talk to the one that I really don't know when I will get a chance to talk to again, to be real and honest, but sometimes you just have to let it be and hope it works out in the end. If I can give you all advice today it would be to not do something out of your emotions that you will regret later. Pushing people away because of fear of getting hurt is not what I intended to do, but only after it happened did I realize it was what was going on.

So on a brighter note.......okay actually it's not brighter. I am talking about hurting and at work I rammed my arm on a pole that scraped it up pretty good. So I am talking about not hurting as I am actually in a lot of pain right now. I think that is kind of funny. Hopefully you all can find the humor in something today if you have been having a bad week as well. Always have to find room to smile. Through the tears there is always room to smile. Thanks for allowing me to be vulnerable today.


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