Today during water polo practice I reached my breaking point. I was so distracted during practice that I could not concentrate on anything. We had just finished our swimming part of practice and we were moving onto drills. Of course I had to be the first one to go... I messed up right away. I got yelled at a little which was necessary because I was distracted and needed it to regain my focus. However, when it was my turn again, I did the thing right all the way up until the very last part where I stop playing. I didn't finish the play. Needless to say I got kicked out of practice for the day and I broke down.
There has been so much going on lately that once I got kicked out of practice I could not control my emotions anymore. I think I literally cried for two hours while I sat outside the pool deck watching my teammates do the things I should have done from the beginning. I should have been in the water with them from the beginning to the end.
But sometimes we lose our focus and it can really hurt us and the people around us, in more ways than one. Losing my focus today hurt me and others around me. Not only did it hurt my ego because I am suppose to be Captain of the team and I am getting kicked out, but also it hurt my teammates because now they have to readjust and work harder because I was slacking off. It was a bad day to pick to slack off when we have a game tomorrow and huge games this weekend.
I do not know what happened to me today. All the stress down to family problems, work, school, water polo, finances, and my social life in general just caught up with me. Like I talked about last week, responsibility is important but if we do not know what to do with it, it becomes pointless and we become useless.
Starting today I have made a vow that all of the things going on around me can continue to go on without me. I am only going to control the things that I can control and not worry about how others are going to react or deal with things. I cannot control how others behave or think and starting today I will not try to anymore.
I guess for the most part today I learned that I need to focus on myself and my own actions before I can even begin to try and help others. Sometimes we tend to forget that we need to think of ourselves first sometimes. That it is OK to be a little selfish. I am not saying forget about what is important to us or who has been there for us throughout this life journey; however, I am saying we need to give ourselves some time to do what we love. As of today there will be more time to focus on me and less time trying to control the uncontrollable things in my life.