This week as well as the last seems to have a running theme of internal struggle.
It all started last Sunday when my sister-in-law asked if my husband and I were planning on children soon. She suggested we start in a year or so when she will be trying for her third."It will be so nice if the cousins could be close in age," she says. I agree 100 percent it would be great but I explained to her that I still need to finish school and get a better paying job before I can start planning for children. Then my husband chimes in and says, oh yes a year and a half sounds perfect. And I thought in the back of mind how wonderful it would be to start a family next year.
Which got me thinking about where my life is headed, and all that mumbo jumbo. I started to envy friends who finished school, regret some of the decisions I've made and criticizing myself for being where I am today. Oh yeah, I was headed down a very dark road my friends.
A few days later I failed my math exam...and by failed I mean bombed it. Huge blow to the ego and confidence level. I'm not sure what happened but I got questions wrong that I can normally do blind folded. Personally I'm blaming it on all the baby talk. I'm just sayin'.
Anyway, moving forward. I then kept the failing trend up this week by not starting my math homework until the day before it's due. Not exactly a smart move when taking an online course. But my brilliant mind said don't start it, math stinks, just wait until you're up for it. And you know what, I'm never listening to that voice again. Nothing but trouble.
So naturally I'm feeling like a complete failure because of my behavior. I do this to myself every single semester. But last night I had stroke of genius. Well ok not exactly, but it felt like one. I realized all the people I compare myself to academically follow a different set of prints than I do. Actually the difference is they have a set a prints to follow. Make sense? Ok lemme explain...
Everyone I respectfully admire comes from a highly achieving family. All of which have left behind a trail of bread crumbs (foot prints), for their children to follow. They have set examples and helped prep them for achieving. I on the other hand and like so many others, am foraging my way through the dense academic forest. Learning valuable lessons along the way but there are times when I wish I had a set of prints to follow. Just to make it a tiny bit easier.
I'm not blaming my lack of time management on anyone. I know in the end it's always up to me. But I continue to get down on myself. At times I think there's something wrong with my I.Q. and that's why I have a difficult time sailing through the semesters. And in those moments I remind myself of my favorite quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer.
"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."
with that said. My "stroke of genius" was realizing I'm paving my own path. And with doing so there will always be set backs and stumbles. It's easier to walk the road which has been traveled. But I'd like to think in the end I'll have gained a little more moxy for all my efforts.
Who knows maybe I'm paving the path for children... But that is another song to sing.
Stay Classy FC,