Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I don't know what I say, I just have a way of saying it.

Adrenaline. Relaxation. Being comfortable and myself in front of at least 100 people. This is what the Fullerton Student poetry and what not readings was about.

And here I started the morning thinking I would just help to set up, when in the last minute, I decided to write something and just jump at it. So I went for it. And this is what I came up with. A very real conversation I carry often with Ivan, a friend, in which both of us discuss certain aspects of living, but as you will see, our subjectivity of life is quite different.

"I don't know what I say, I just have a way of saying it."
by angel mtz.

I sit, in front of Ivan.

He's eating something. Or drinking something.
Life passes away and I...snap my fingers.

"Ivan," I say, "What do you want in life?"

For a moment nothing.

"I want a Ferrari, or a Lamborghini," he says.

I sit, in front of Ivan, and I realize--I've asked the wrong question.
Life is wasting away and I...snap my fingers.

"I mean, what do you want OUT of life?"

Ivan thinks. He thinks thoughtfully and deeply. And I'm sure, he will give me the right answer this time.

"I want a mansion, a good looking wife, I definitely wanna be rich."

Forever. Foreverness.
For a moment nothing.
It all remains--quiet--slow.

I could ask a thousand questions, rephrase my thoughts a million ways.
I wouldn't get through to him.
And life is melting away...I snap my fingers.

"I mean, don't you wanna be free? Don't you wanna feel at peace, with God, with the universe?"

Ivan doesn't say anything, and then...

"Why do you even ask?" He says.

I sit, and I listen.

Life begins to flow...I snap my fingers.

"Because," I say, "Don't you know I've become a philosopher? I'm like Gandhi, or Jesus.

"You've become a douchebag," Ivan says, "You're trying to fill me up with your crap. I'm not gonna fall for it.

I laugh. And I realize Ivan is lost. Because he doesn't see there is more to human existence than just everything you think about. There is more than just our fake ephiphanies about our progress in this life.


Life is flowing faster and I...clap my hands.

"I will carry you kicking and screaming and in the end, you will thank me," I say.

Ivan doesn't think.

"Good luck with that, I'm never gonna fall for your crap."

"I know," I say, "But I'm never--I'm never gonna stop trying."

That was the piece I wrote in about 20 to 30 minutes just before the event started. You feel so empowered when you are up there on the podium. It was fantastic.

I very much enjoyed my day. And it is during these days I've lived to my fullest.

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